When I open my eyes, I see the brutal world. I hate it. I hate it when it rains that everything’s wet, everything is filthy. I see sadness on everyone’s faces. And those sad faces are like negative side of the batteries, that they charge and charge and charge again and again. But other times, when I open my eyes, I see it as a place where flowers flourish and children laugh. The sun shines and the shallows of any living thing’s and those deceased vanished bit by bit till the clouds come. And then, the world comes back, back to the darkness. So I guess that’s how it works. So I guess that’s what they call it, yin yang.
Self-hate is nothing but destructive and has no inherent advances, therefore lay it down and face self-love. Self-hate could not exist without its opposite (there can be no hate without love), therefore recall that you carry self-love inside of you.
You are a human being, and own the exact same value as all others do. You partake in a system and society, therefore you are a part of it and are as necessary as the rest, no matter what you you think of yourself.
You only confront and understand what your nature can endure. Your nature is powerful and is able to bear all that you allow yourself to do; therefore if you do not want to understand your self, you will not. If you do not truly want to understand the world, you will not. But if you truly want it and try your best: you will.
I do not know how old you are and what you have experienced, but:
you cannot go this far and then turn down your whole life. Make place for a new day.
A few minutes later, the sun went back to orange and we got on the train. We took our seats and placed our bags. There were five seats in a row, and the other seat was empty until Jacqueline took it. Of course, I didn’t know her name that time. I was shocked when I found there wasn’t any adult around her. She sat next to my cousin. I was jealous. I took a glimpse at Jacqueline accidentally finding my cousin looking at her as well. I was more jealous. I thought I should switch my seat with my cousin. I thought and thought looking for the right idea in my mind and I couldn’t. Later, maybe I was to excited before, I felt sleepy and I fell asleep.
I can now remember I had a dream and it must be somehow related to Jacqueline. I can’t recall any bit of the dream though. When I woke up, my mom was talking to my cousin about his teachers in elementary school. And Jacqueline was sleeping. God, she was so beautiful, I couldn’t move my eyes somewhere else.
"She’s alone." My aunt said. I moved my sight to her.
"Yes, I guess so."I said.
"You know, when you’re older you can travel alone too."
"Really?"I was happy to hear that and thought it would be easier to talk to Jacqueline when my cousin wasn’t around. He’s older and bigger and he always has a better chance.
It was only an hour left on the train. I still hadn’t figured out a way to talk to Jacqueline and she was sleeping. So I had to talk to my aunt about my father’s business when she asked. The train arrived earlier than I imagined. We grabbed our bags and headed to the exit. When I noticed, Jacqueline had gone. And I didn’t say a word to her.
I was a coward as I am now.
I learned everything I know about Jacqueline from my cousin. Apparently, they had a nice “small” talk. Apparently, Jacqueline was a nice girl as I imagined. “She had this strawberry smell around her.” my cousin told me, “She travels alone and her uncle will take her at the seaside.”. “That’s awesome.” was all I could say.
when I first know Jacqueline, I was 5 years old. And she was 8. I met her on the train the way to a beach near Beijing. It was my last summer before I go to elementary school and my aunt and my mom thought it would be a good opportunity to take my cousin and me to our first trip. It was my first time to the beach and my first on a train and I was excited. I asked everything I saw, questions like why the train was painted green.
I guess I haven’t known how tough life could be and how bad being a teenager is. Anyway, that time, I was really happy, like really. I’m no psychologist and I don’t know how grown should a boy be when he has his first love. But I was sure and kept telling people my first love happened when I was 5. I told them I had my first love the moment I met Jacqueline on the train. Well, to be precise, not on the train exactly, I met her in that large hall of the train station.
Any 8 year old girl was much taller than I was. As I kept saying,” I was small till I was 13.” It was 4 pm in the afternoon, my dad drove my mom and me to the station, buying tickets, meeting my cousin and aunt. after things were done, it was about 5. Sun started to fall and everything was orange. I looked at the sun and I believed as I gain enough power by staring at the sun, I would have superpower. I looked straight at the sun till it turned green. And I looked away.
And I saw Jacqueline.
I know, the stereotype is I found Jacqueline different and fell in love with her. But that time, to be honest, she wasn’t different. She was just like an 8 year old girl who had pink and light yellow all over her. But she was beautiful. She was that kind of truly beautiful, that kind of stunning beautiful and that kind of undiscovered beautiful. And that was it. That was the moment I saw her.